“Shh, we will discuss it later”; “No, don’t discuss money like that – it’s not appropriate”; “There is no answer to your ‘why’, we simply cannot spend that.” The list of such statement is long, familiar and painful for many. These are often words we first hear as children, and then either unconsciously repeat, or hear again, as adults. “Money” is something we need, want, desire and fear, all at the same time. Yet, it is often considered “tacky” to discuss it and it is certainly a private matter. But even privately, within a family, how often do you actually talk about money? Or does private simply mean dealing with it silently, in our heads, with stress or guilt? More importantly: what happens when we don’t talk about money?
Who makes the rules in your home?
We all know we need money, but not all of us earn it or control it. Many people live within a family unit where the money technically belongs to everyone yet is understood or managed by only one or two people. Regardless, we all use money - to meet needs, fulfil desires or simply live our lives. So, who decided the money rules in your home? Did you ever choose them? Were they ever explained to you? What happens when your partner or parent sees money differently from you? Is your household operating on negotiation, dictatorship, or quiet rebellion? Money rules exist whether they’re discussed or not. Without conversation, confusion, resentment and dysfunction are all likely to surface.
Unknown rules, broken views
When you play a game without knowing the rules, you will inevitably break them. Money works the same way. If no one talks about the rules, or if it’s like a dictatorship, you’re not truly seeing what’s going on. There will be hidden expenses, extravagant expenses, guilty expenses and there are likely to be lies in some form. A lack of communication becomes a form of control – or sometimes a sign that no one’s really in control. In any situation, without talking about money, everyone ends up working toward different goals, or worse, with no shared goal at all. In that environment, it’s unlikely you’re reaching that goal while keeping the team compatible and together.
What’s the real name of your team - Guilty, burdened or Unfocused?
And then there’s what happens internally. You still spend money, of course, but what happens inside you when you do? Is it guilt? Shame? The thrill of rebellion? Or the quiet conformity of spending only on essentials so you can avoid questions? Silence is also conflict in its own way, isn’t it? And if you are the one who controls the money, the rule-setter, what happens when things get difficult? Who shares your burden then? Not just the burden of earning, but of making decisions, adjusting plans and rewriting rules when needed. It can feel incredibly lonely. Even if you earn, but avoid money conversations, even with yourself, how do you handle the inevitable chaos?
What’s the way out – Let’s talk about money
It’s literally that simple. We do not think it’s a big deal to discuss where we will have dinner, what movie or show to watch, what’s acceptable behaviour at home, etc. Why then is it not essential to talk about the very thing that enables all those choices? Money is the practical lifeblood of daily living. Figure out why you avoid talking about it. Whatever your reason, it is likely to be the thread that helps to disentangle at least some of the burdens, stress, guilt or confusion you are adding to your daily life.
Originally written for and published in Bahrain This Month